Dez Reads. First They Came for the Emotional Support Alligators.

And I said nothing, because I was not an emotional support alligator.

Beach leads this week with an underreported story on creeping fascism in America, in which large multinational companies are restricting a man’s right to grocery shop with an alligator on a leash! Don’t miss this important story.

Will Kim reports on the intersection of culture and commerce, wherein Swatch is offering tariff-themed wristwatches. My advice? If you’re in the market for an entry-level timepiece, skip ahead to a tasteful Grand Seiko.

Jen Hirshon has a friend fighting ALS in the public eye; Brooke Eby’s mix of courage, tenacity, and humor sheds important light on an absolutely terrible disease that has impacted many of us. Shoutout Brooke.

As we all mentally prepare for weekend grocery shopping, Katie Runkle provides some insight from The Atlantic as to what your grocery store says about you. Kroger is not mentioned in the piece, which confirms that Midwesterners are treated as second-class citizens by our media establishment.

And, to close us out with an eyeroll, MaryGrace Lucas reports that the Fyre Fest meme will never die. Woohoo.

Thanks, as always, for reading along with us.

Here we go.

Not Welcome Here

NBC News. Emotional support alligator is no longer welcome in Pennsylvania Walmart

Leave it to Walmart to ruin a good time. After a few complaining calls, corporate booted an impeccably dressed emotional support alligator who’s been strolling through the aisles of a local Pittsburgh Walmart for years. They literally hit her with “see you later, alligator” for “terrifying customers.”

Terrifying? Come on. The thing scaring Pittsburgh the most right now is the Steelers defense getting absolutely shredded every week and that involuntary flashback to January 2012: overtime in Denver, Tim Tebow (yes, the Florida Gator) dropping a dart, Demaryius Thomas gone, season over. Football PTSD still lives here. A college Gator did more damage to our collective blood pressure than any literal gator in Aisle 12.

Meanwhile, this reptile shops better than most of us. She minds her business and doesn’t leave her cart in the middle of parking spots.

Priorities, Yinzers. We need to be more worried about finally winning a playoff game than a friendly little dinosaur in a sundress.

– Nathaniel Beach

A Watch Designed to Troll Washington

Shortlist. Limited edition Trump tariff Swatch watch — an unlikely collector's item?

For those of you who are into collecting watches, this limited-run timepiece by the Swiss brand, Swatch, arguably reflects these times (no pun intended) better than anything on the market right now.

This watch – dubbed “WHAT IF…TARIFFS?” – switches the spots of “3” and “9” number markings on its face, a satirical nod to the 39% tariffs that the Trump administration has currently imposed on Swiss imports into the U.S. The sarcastic theme of this special edition timepiece extends even to its price tag, which is 139 Swiss francs or about $175 USD.

And apparently, people are appreciating this bold, humorous concept. Swatch says that the “WHAT IF…TARIFFS?” watch is gaining popularity from Swiss customers, with “very high demand” delaying shipping by almost two weeks.

As the world braces for these unprecedented trade taxes from Washington, Swatch’s decision to launch this watch makes the most of this crisis – turning this marketplace challenge into a product marketing tool.

– William Kim

The Coolest Person on the Internet

Instagram. Brooke Eby

I have a neighbor named Brooke Eby who is in the advanced stages of ALS, and I’ve never been more in awe of someone in my life. Brooke documents her journey through this brutal disease on Instagram, and she is hands-down the most badass human I’ve met, even if I probably know her better through a screen.

She’s thrown the ceremonial first pitch at an Orioles game, appeared on the Today Show, and just recently launched an adaptive clothing line for people with disabilities. What really blows me away, though, is her friggin' hilarious sense of humor coupled with a humility so raw and real it’ll make you cry-laugh.

Why am I sharing Brooke’s story in this week’s DezReads? Simply put, she made me spit out my coffee when I saw how she spectacularly trolled The Sun tabloid.

Even now, paralyzed by ALS, Brooke is still fighting, still laughing, and still finding ways to flip the script on anyone who underestimates her. She’s got grit in every sense of the word, and I think she’s just about the coolest person on the planet.

– Jen Hirshon

Show Me Your Grocery Bag

The Atlantic. What Your Favorite Grocery Store Says About You

My Saturday venture to Trader Joe’s for groceries has become a highlight of my weekly routine. It ranks the same as spending my Saturday afternoon at a brewery with friends or going to run club. Whether you’re a TJ’s frequent flyer, “Wegmaniac”, or a Whole Foods fanatic, grocery stores have gone from a utility errand for food to an experience. And don’t even get me started on Costco…

How did we get here? Why are we driving 30 minutes to buy basic human needs like we’re members of elite country clubs? Why are thousands of Californians camping out in long lines, not for a Best Buy Black Friday TV sale, or the best seat in a concert venue, but for $2.99 Trader Joe’s pastel-colored mini totes?

I don’t have the answers to this new social phenomenon, but Atlantic writer Ellen Cushing just might.

– Katie Runkle

Buys the Meme, Not the Mess

WSJ: Infamous Fyre Festival Sells for Fire-Sale Price of $245,000

Remember that time we all gathered online together to witness the first-ever world-wide influencer schadenfreude meltdown? 2017’s Fyre Festival infamously fell apart and its damnable cheese sandwich burned up our Slack channels. A second attempt called Fyre Fest 2 also went down in flames.

Well, it’s baaaaaaack!

Sort of. A file-sharing site bought Fyre for meme-sharing purposes.

According to the CEO of LimeWire, “We’re not bringing the festival back—we’re bringing the brand and the meme back to life.” Basically, an NFT-forward company is NFT-ing Fyre.

LimeWire promises real-world events and a community that will be “bold, self-aware, and impossible to ignore - staying true to Fyre’s chaotic legacy, but with a new layer of credibility, creativity, and control.”
Well, who doesn’t love some “credibility, creativity, and control” in their memes, amirite? Sounds hilarious.

Meanwhile, I guess the dream of an actual, real, functioning Fyre Fest 3 is dead. C’est la vie. At least we’ll get a Fyre Fest 1 movie musical. Bring on the “The Ballad of the Cheese Sandwich.”

– MaryGrace Lucas

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